Nadaaniyan

Star kid releases have become a toxic cycle in Hindi film. No one seems to derive any pleasure from them, yet there’s one every month. As soon as a trailer drops, thousands of angry posts appear, with nothing to go on but two minutes of promotion and a vague idea that sons and daughters of famous actors are the enemy. Even established stars who came through film families can’t catch a break; last year, the release of Jigra, starring Alia Bhatt, was marked by unprecedented negativity. But with the younger crop, there are problems beyond an apathetic and frustrated Hindi viewing public.

For the longest time, Dharma Productions has been known for reminding us how rich lives matter. Time and again, it has taken viewers not only on a voyeuristic ride into the extravagant lifestyles of the uber rich, but also offered a deep dive into their ‘struggles’, often evoking a fair degree of empathy, even relatability. ‘Nadaaniyan’ is one more such film where the poor rich girl syndrome manifests itself. Pia (Khushi Kapoor) is the daughter of ultra-rich parents (Suniel Shetty and Mahima Chaudhry), studying in an ‘ultra-elite school’ where students seem to be doing anything but study. She, ‘the poster princess of privilege and entitlement’, has her fair share of dilemmas, including her parents’ failing marriage.

To win over her best friends and wriggle out of a sticky situation, poor little rich girl Pia Jaisingh (Khushi Kapoor) convinces her new classmate, a career-driven Arjun Mehta (Ibrahim Ali Khan) to be her rental boyfriend. The Instagram love story looks perfect on reels until things get real between the two. You can predict this story as soon as it begins. It follows the tropes of any teen romance. Pia offers Rs 25K a week to Arjun, an aspiring lawyer to get him to pretend as her boyfriend. She’s a wealthy Delhi girl; he’s from Greater Noida. He thinks love is a distraction, she thinks her world revolves around love. Her family’s patriarchal, his parents are liberal. Despite the differences, the two make a deal. She soft launches him on her socials before the big reveal. What happens when the two catch feelings?

History is proof that the most memorable Hindi films have centred on impossible deals. I will offer some examples. In Raj Kanwar’s Judaai (1997), a wife sold her husband to another woman for a briefcase of cash. In Satish Kaushik’s Hum Aapke Dil Mein Rehte Hain (1999), the two principal characters enter into a one-year marriage contract; in S. Shankar’s Nayak: The Real Hero (2001), a journalist makes a deal with a chief minister to fill in his shoes for a day. Apart from finding Anil Kapoor, the actor present in all three films, either brokering deals or being brokered in such agreements, the instances highlight the commonality of these segues.

Colleges are swanky theme parks for fashion and filmi romances in Karan Johar’s universe. From Kuch Kuch Hota Hai to Student of the Year, the coolness quotient in his depiction is a no-expense-spared fantasy we continue to live in vicariously. No wonder his more hand-me-down home productions and streaming offshoots have no desire to escape its allure. Only the pretty leans heavily towards plastic in Nadaniyaan, the Netflix campus romance directed by his Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahaani assistant Shauna Gautam based on Riva Razdan Kapoor’s story. Desperate high schooler striking a mutually beneficial deal with a fellow student to play her pretend boyfriend for a few days until they actually fall in love causing complications is a done-to-death Hollywood trope.

The trailer of Nadaaniyan- which marks the debut of Saif Ali Khan and Amrita Singh’s son Ibrahim Ali Khan in Bollywood opposite Sridevi’s daughter Khushi Kapoor - had given us all enough hints at how bland a film it would be. When I sat down to watch the movie, my expectations were already low considering that the trailer looked unimpressive. But the film, helmed by Shauna Gautam and backed by Karan Johar’s Dharmatic, is far lower than what I had expected it to be. A two-hour bland romance drama, Nadaaniyan makes Gen Z -the film’s target audience- look dumb, dumber, dumbest, and its lead characters one dimensional with zero sense of rationale and practicality.

It’s a wonder that after 12 years of professional film criticism and finding creative ways to pan ghastly Bollywood movies, the deepest thought that entered my head after watching Nadaaniyan was: “I want to kick this film”. Such a primal, crude urge. Kick, really? So much for all those analytical skills and fancy words. All those carefully constructed rants and sarcastic takedowns. It’s the kind of thought that’s second to an animalistic grunt. I should do better. I should be calmer. But hey, at least I’m calling myself out here. At least I’m admitting that my brain is broken and incapable of making sense. That makes me ‘Self-Aware’. And self-awareness is a superpower that we often abuse to weaponise our flaws. In this day and age, an idiot that knows they’re an idiot is automatically wise.