Rohan Naahar

We had no idea how good we had it in July 2020. Little did we know, for instance, that the pandemic just… wouldn’t end. Petrol was cheaper, the air was cleaner, and we were getting used to life at home. Plus, you could still count on Netflix to occasionally produce an impressive film or two. Extraction remains one of the slickest action movies of the last five years; in fact, it basically cannibalised The Old Guard, an equally good Netflix original that debuted only a few weeks later. Starring Charlize Theron alongside an overqualified supporting cast, the movie screamed for a sequel, which was quickly approved. But did you know that The Old Guard 2 was shot three years ago? The movie had been sitting on the shelves for quite some time before being released this week, and it shows. In case you weren’t aware that The Old Guard 2 existed, don’t blame yourself; it’s not your fault. Netflix has been suspiciously quiet about it, perhaps because the finished movie resembles a work-in-progress — a film that hasn’t yet been streamlined on the edit table. It retains the hyperreal gloss of ungraded raw footage, while giving the strong impression that what we’ve been presented with is some kind of unfinished cut. Among the film’s many flaws — we’ll get to the rest momentarily — is Barry Ackroyd’s flat cinematography.

Nearly four decades ago, the late director Tony Scott, star Tom Cruise, and producer Jerry Bruckheimer attempted to re-conjure the magic that made Top Gun such a cultural touchstone with Days of Thunder, a racing movie that followed the same basic structure, but replaced the fighter jets with fast cars. Now, Bruckheimer and director Joseph Kosinski are essentially following the same playbook with Top Gun: Maverick and the recently released F1. The only difference, this time around, is that Cruise didn’t return for the sports drama, perhaps because he has been occupied for the last half-decade by the Mission: Impossible franchise. But this was all for the best, because nobody other than Brad Pitt could’ve played the role of the seasoned drifter Sonny Hayes. It’s an odd observation to make, because Cruise literally played the most famous drifter of them all, Jack Reacher. Twice. But he was famously miscast in those movies. Not because he didn’t fit writer Lee Child’s physical description of the towering Reacher, but because, as an actor, Cruise doesn’t exactly project the going-with-the-flow energy that is required for such a character. He is simply too intense, his persona is too curated, too meticulous to play someone that lives like hobo. There’s a reason why people joke that he’s actually an alien scientologist sent to spy on earthlings. Pitt, on the other hand, has the exact opposite screen presence. He’s a relaxed, relatable, somewhat rudderless.

A key part of movie promotions these days involves the lead cast going on the talk show circuit (as they normally would), and instructing the audience to essentially lower their expectations. In fact, it’s almost as if Priyanka Chopra remembered all those times that she and her fellow Bollywood stars sold their movies by telling viewers to leave their brains outside the theatre, and introduced this strategy to her new friends in Hollywood. She’s been going around saying that her new action film Heads of State is an undemanding Friday night watch, but, unsurprisingly, it fails to meet even those standards. Directed by Ilya Naishuller, who previously made Hardcore Henry and Nobody, Heads of State is the kind of Prime Video programming that enters your eyeballs, bypasses your brain, and leaks out of your ears. Like his previous films — Hardcore Henry was presented in first person, while Nobody transported a middle-aged man into a John Wick-style world — Heads of State works better as a concept than in execution. It stars John Cena as the President of the United States and Idris Elba as the British Prime Minister, while Chopra plays an MI6 agent who might as well have been airdropped into the movie from Citadel.

After knocking it out of the park with the excellent prison drama Black Bird a couple of years ago, writer Dennis Lehane and star Taron Egerton have reunited on the new Apple mini-series Smoke. The nine-episode thriller follows a mismatched pair of investigators tasked with tracking down a couple of arsonists. Gudsen, the character played by Egerton, is an expert of some kind. He lives and breathes fire. His new partner Calderon, played by Jurnee Smollett, is a detective with a horrific past. In a contrived piece of writing that even Mahesh Bhatt would have drawn the line at, it is revealed that Calderon’s mother tried to set their house ablaze when she was a child. It’s like Dexter, with an Apple-level budget but the soul of an MX Player original.

While promoting his new film, 28 Years Later, director Danny Boyle expressed retrospective reservations about Slumdog Millionaire. By far his most successful movie, it delivered the box office performance of a Marvel blockbuster and won him the prestigious Best Director Oscar. Boyle was already famous thanks to his boundary-pushing past work, but he wasn’t Bollywood famous. And yet, while reflecting on Slumdog a decade-and-a-half later, he declared that he would never make something like it again; instead, he said, he would appoint a young Indian director at the helm. It seems like Boyle, who also spearheaded the opening ceremony for the London Olympics, has developed an acute case of ‘white guilt’. This guilt can be felt in every frame of 28 Years Later.

“There is no such thing as an antiwar film,” the French New Wave icon Francois Truffaut famously declared once upon a time. It was almost as if he’d secretly been yanked into the future and made to attend a ‘special screening’ of Uri: The Surgical Strike at PVR Juhu. It is, indeed, irresponsible for any movie to glorify war, and Truffaut was of the opinion that this isn’t a supposition, but an inevitability. He wasn’t entirely correct, of course. There have been several great antiwar films over the years, and we’ll discuss some of them here. But what about Indian movies? The recent film Ground Zero, which was released on Prime Video following a theatrical run that was unfortunately affected by the Pahalgam terror attack, appears to be aware of these concerns. But it chooses to ignore them when it matters the most.

Depending on where you live in the world, the first episode of HBO’s new true crime series, The Mortician, will either be scandalous or sloppy. In the 1980s, a man named David Sconce took over his family’s respectable funeral home business, and took it in an altogether macabre direction, all in the name of aggressive expansion. But the sort of shenanigans that he got up to would hardly draw a second glance in India. A lot of what he was convicted of doing would be brushed off as ‘jugaad’ here. In the United States, however — especially the wealthy Pasadena neighbourhood where Sconce conducted his activities — a scandal erupted. It was discovered that Sconce was mass-cremating bodies and essentially scooping out ashes from large barrels, and presenting them to the families of the deceased. They had no idea that the urn being given to them contained the remains of several dead people mixed together, and not just their loved one. Sconce said that this was a common practice in funeral homes, and that most businesses would be lying if they pretend that it wasn’t. You could imagine white people getting all hot and bothered about something like this, but in India, where the cost of human life is negligible, it would be more surprising if there was no skullduggery going on.

In recent years, several Bollywood big-shots with varying degrees of wealth and intelligence have said that South Indian movies are performing better than their Hindi counterparts because they’re more ‘rooted’. The word has become a part of the lexicon, alongside terms such as ‘elevation scene’ and ‘BGM’. Anurag Kashyap has said it; Javed Akhtar has said it; if they’d asked the women, they’d have said it as well. But what does the word ‘rooted’ even mean? The one movie that perfectly captures all the ingredients that are missing from Hindi cinema these days, the one movie that Bollywood would do well to emulate, is the Malayalam-language sports comedy Alappuzha Gymkhana, which debuted recently on SonyLIV after an excellent theatrical run. It’s as rooted as they come. But the definition of this kind of cinema could vary. While Kashyap thinks that ‘rooted’ cinema refers to stories of the heartland, Akhtar has complained that Hindi filmmakers are losing touch with the language. He forgets that his own children write in English and have their scripts translated. For most Bollywood producers, ‘rooted’ is merely a code word for a very specific kind of big-budget movie; the chauvinistic and bombastic sort of cinema popularised by the Telugu industry and bastardised by the north.